My Autism Speaks Loudly, but not Today

Voice_poolsideNow that I have a voice, I am seen and heard in a way that had never been possible before. Anyone who sees in my inner mind, sees me. Autism is a voice too, but not in the way I want to be heard. People all can hear my autism, and they interpret from it a lot about who I am. Before I had a voice, I was locked away in a prison of a body that was uncontrollable. No one saw me inside trying to love those that loved me too. Before, my world was in total isolation. My family loved me, and I felt their love and wished I could speak to them and say, “I’m in here.” They, more and more every day, saw autism acting in my place. Autism acting out my feelings of loneliness in the way I line up my animals, in the way I make my piles, in the way I scream and laugh. Always autism acting in my place, not me. Not my mind that wanted to love back and to be included. Hard to describe a world that is in total control of you. Hard to describe how impossible it was to be always in prison. No words can fully explain. My words fill in parts of an experience that I existed in. An experience that was totally overwhelming in my senses and in my emotions. I was in chains, made helpless by a sensory and emotional system that was faulty.

Appearances, I suppose, really matter to people. Each day I shaped people’s perceptions about me with my autism. It took finding that person who could imagine me before really seeing me, to break through. A person who believed in me and had so much confidence in me when I had none, was a person worth working as hard as I could for to push through the autism to relate back. Rarely has a person been able to see past my autism. When I had really reached that place where I could type out my words and have them seen, read, and heard, then I could tell the people in my life what was happening to me, what I was struggling with, and what I was feeling. I could give them a way to help me that I could never have before. I can finally speak for myself now. I can talk with a voice. A voice that is now being heard. An autistic voice that is being heard around the world in people’s own lives and in their own families.

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14 thoughts on “My Autism Speaks Loudly, but not Today

  1. Dillan

    You have such an amazing gift and talent for writing . You have a bright future ahead of you. Your new found voice will help break the chains that other people with autism feel bound by. You are a very intelligent young man and I am inspired by your words and I know that God has a plan and purpose for your life. I think someday when you are and old man you will look back on your life and see that there was purpose found in your pain and that joy was found in the gift you share with others.

    Stay strong, be encouraged and never give up. Sky’s the limit for you.

    P.S.
    My sister is so very proud of you!😄

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Janet,
      This is Tami, Dillan’s mom. Dillan and I have been reading through his incredible feedback, but it has been hard to find the time to respond, so I wanted to thank you for your words of support and encouragement. It means a lot to us!!
      Tami

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  2. Your voice is an inspiration that I only hope is spread around the world. My son is a non-verbal autistic boy of just seven years of age. I would love to know any way that may help me to help him learn to type as you. I know my son Jacob is in there and I tell him every day I know he is in there. I always make sure people know not to talk at him and to talk to him. I tell them he may not be able to talk back but he understands every thing they tell him. I appreciate you taking the time to speak through the internet. Thank you from a dad who you have touched with your words.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Greg,

      Thanks so much for writing to Dillan. He hasn’t had a chance to respond to many of his messages, but we are reading them and feeling grateful for the time you have taken to write. It sounds like you are on the right track with your son. I would suggest also reading a wonderful book by our friend, Ido, called Ido in Autismland (also a blog and Facebook page). For actually beginning to work on the communication, a good place to start is by reading Understanding Autism through Rapid Prompting Method by Soma Mukhopadhyay, or you can go to their website at http://www.halo-soma.org. Dillan and I are going to try to get more information on his blog about his communication journey in the near future. Wishing you all the best!
      Tami

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  3. Hello Dillian,
    I want to thank you for sharing your thoughts, it is so good to get to know you. You are so beautiful on the inside and out. I have a son who just turned 20 years old, he has dark hair and eyes. He was born premature and only weighted 2 lbs. 12 oz. At birth.. He is now a United States Marine. I thank God for him, and I know your mom and dad thank God for you. What a gift you are to so many people, keep being you, I am so honored to get to know just a small part of who you are. Your friend, Katie Fenderson

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I have a lump in my throat as I read your message, Dillan. My son has learned to communicate, as you have, and feels so much as you do. Your words inspire parents to soldier on….to KNOW that their child is in there, behind the symptoms of autism.
    Thank you so much.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Violet,

      This is Tami, Dillan’s mom. We are so happy to hear that your son has found a way to truly communicate, and that you are getting to know him. It is an experience that is difficult to describe. Thank you for touching base with us. Hope you keep visiting. Wishing you all the best!
      Tami

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  5. Dillan is an amazingly bright and gifted young man in so many ways. I am so happy that he and his parents persevered with his journey. I know there are great things to come for Dillan!

    Love, Tina

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Hi there. I am so glad I found your blog. I have a 17 year old son who also has autism since he was about 2. He is nonverbal but I know he is in there, like a prisoner because unlike you, we haven’t been able to help him. As a mom, I could use your advice as how to proceed. We did see Soma a year ago and he did very well but trying to do it at home is difficult. I would very much appreciate any help or tips you could give me. I’m desperate to help break him out of his prison!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Sharolyn,

      This is Tami, Dillan’s mom. We are glad you found us too! True, it is more difficult when you get home and are trying to do it on your own. Believe me, I had the same experience!! I found it difficult to practice consistently, but our communication has been less fluid because of it. Dillan is able to tell me now how much he needed me to just keep showing up…even when it was hard. So I gently encourage you to get whatever support you can to keep showing up every day, to prepare as best you can, and practice, practice, practice! There is a lot of support now online, so you can look for the RPM Facebook page, and if you haven’t, it is helpful to read Soma’s red and green books (over and over!). As our friend, Ido, says, “Autism is a deep pit. Don’t give up!”
      Tami

      Like

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